It's the little things...

The past few days have been a sort of hell for me... On word: Mom. And when I say "Mom", I mean it in the most lax sense of the word. She never really was one. In DNA only, but never in the true sense. However, I won't dwell on it like my brain wants me to...

Last night it was almost as if I heard a little voice telling me, "This will be the hardest test you ever have to go through." (dealing with her and breaking away and not feeling guilty about how she is and how she manipulates) Because I *was* dwelling on it all. I realized, and have for sometime, I need to make myself happy. And I have been bit by bit over the last few years.

And as Chris works on his projects, and the more I help him out in the garage, the happier I am. And it's also so nice to just be outside when it's sunny, whether I'm playing in garden stuff, or grilling dinner, or whatever... Even being inside snuggling with the dogs, or going out to just hang with friends; with him by my side, everything is good. He is my present and future of this life.

The past is the past. I can't let anyone shove me back into it because they are the one's that are miserable. And they have made it that way for themselves years ago, before I was ever born...

We do still plan on getting out of Nebraska. Not sure when, and not that any problems will stay behind, but bad memories will be less and less as we start over without the crap of years gone by following us... but even if it never happens, I still have to retrain my brain that I am not HER, nothing LIKE her, and never WILL be.

I am more my father's daughter than I ever knew... And even though he was far from perfect, he always tried his damnedest to do right. And that brings me a real sense of pride.

Especially when I plant my garden, like he taught me as a kid.
And when I use his tools, that he taught me to use as a kid.
And when I try to help people, like he taught me to do.
And when I see his fire helmet and coat, like I used to wear when I was little.
And when I cry at the memories of everything, like he used to do all the time... like I'm doing right now...